ORGASMS 101

Orgasms 101: Priming for the Big One

Orgasms are natural, so you’d think women would have no trouble experiencing “The Big O” any time they wanted one…or two…or 10. Yet, it’s estimated that 70% of women fake it at some point. What gives? Find out what could be robbing you of sexual pleasure…Maybe you’re too stressed out to enjoy a climax. Perhaps your partner’s not all that, ahem, stimulating. Whatever the cause, it’s time to stop going through the motions and start getting the big payoff.

Here are 10 ways to help yourself have amazing orgasms:

1 - Get out of your head If you’ve got a negative tape loop running through your brain – Nice girls don’t…, My thighs are too fat…, I’ll be too loud… – hit the Stop button. Self-criticism is a major passion squelcher. And who’s it squelching? You. If your guy is in bed with you, he’s not thinking about whether your thighs jiggle or your bum looks like orange peel. And nice girls do enjoy screaming orgasms, so release your inner vixen and let her have some fun.

2 - Experiment...or not Fur-lined handcuffs. Light spanking. Role play. There’s nothing wrong with (safely) pushing the sexual envelope. Then again, there’s nothing wrong with the tried and true. Being adventurous doesn’t make you slutty. And being aroused by missionary-position sex doesn’t make you a prude. It just means you know what feels good to you.

Which brings us to…3 - Love yourself, You can’t tell your partner what you like if you don’t know. So take your fingers for a walk and find out what makes you see stars. Hard and fast? Slow and soft? Experiment with different kinds of touch and different rhythms.“You learn about orgasms by having them with yourself,” explains Betty Dodson, PhD, masturbation maven and author of Orgasms for Two.

4 - Find your G spot...or not The existence of the G spot (named for German scientist Ernst Grafenberg, who first described it) is as hotly debated as the existence of extraterrestrials. Some sexperts believe this sensual real estate exists; others insist it’s sheer fantasy. Which camp do you fall into? That usually depends on whether you get orgasms from clitoral stimulation or vaginal penetration.

Where is this magic place? It’s behind the belly and pubic bone, about two inches inside your vagina. You can locate yours with fingers and some sex positions (being on top is one of the best). Just remember, the G spot isn’t the holy grail of sex.“All women have this sensitive area,” assures sex researcher Beverly Whipple, PhD, co-author of The Science of Orgasm (Johns Hopkins University Press, 2006). “But not everyone likes it stimulated, just as not everyone likes when someone blows in their ear.”

5 - All roads lead to Rome There are many ways to reach orgasm. Some women can climax when their breasts are touched or when their necks are rubbed. Other lucky gals come by fantasizing – without any touch at all. The point? Be adventurous when exploring sexual terrain. You never know what will send you over the edge.“We’ve gotten into this mindset that there’s only one type of orgasm, and it’s from stimulating the clitoris,” says Whipple. “There are many other ways women can have orgasmic experiences.”

6 – Tell ’em what you want Once you’ve figured out works for you, clue your partner in, too. Trust us; he wants to know. Especially if what gets you off bears no resemblance to what he thinks is working. Most feigned orgasms are what Chicago sex and relationship therapist Laura Berman, PhD and author of Passion Prescription (Hyperion 2006), calls “mercy fakes.” But if you let your partner think he’s making the grade when he’s falling short, he won’t do anything differently. And that leaves you, well, faking it. How can you feel fireworks without trampling your partner’s ego? Give soft and sultry directions, says Berman. In your sexiest voice, whisper I go crazy when you ___. Or simply take your partner’s fingers (or lips or tongue or penis) on a tour of your erogenous zones. And let him know that you’re not always going to come, even if he’s doing everything right, notes Berman. It’ll ease the pressure and let you both enjoy the ride.

7 - Give yourself a hand Contrary to steamy Hollywood sex scenes, only 30% of women have orgasms through intercourse. So if you don’t buck like a bronco upon penetration, not to worry. There’s nothing wrong with you. Life doesn’t always imitate art. Don’t be shy. Reach down and give yourself a helping hand during sex.

8 - Go full speed ahead with foreplay Share this tidbit with your guy: Men can go from zero to orgasm in seven minutes, but women take as long as 20 to get warmed up. That’s why foreplay was invented.Foreplay revs the engines even if you’re not feeling frisky because the brain is a major sex organ. And if you’re mentally paying bills while your partner is looking for thrills, the only thing you’re likely to share is a sexless spat. Redefine foreplay, suggests Berman. Let your hubby put the kids to bed while you unwind with a bath and candles. “Then [you’ll be] in a better place to respond sexually,” Berman notes.

9 - Better than ibuprofen For years women have used the ol’ dodge Not tonight, I’ve got a headache. Turns out, we should’ve been saying the opposite. Orgasms trigger endorphins, those feel-good brain chemicals that improve mood and curb pain.Animal studies have shown that orgasms can be as potent as morphine in quelling headaches, menstrual cramps, even whiplash and arthritis. True, the relief is short-lived (about eight minutes long), but orgasms aren’t toxic to your liver and they won’t upset your tummy like over-the-counter pain relievers can.

10 - Get the blood flowing Exercise is not only good for your heart, it’s good for your sex life. Running, walking, biking and other cardio gets blood moving everywhere – even down there. And the better the circulation, the better the titillation. And don’t forget Kegels. It’s strength training for your pubococcygeus (or PC) muscles – the ones that hold up your vagina, anus, uterus, bladder and urethra.

“The stronger these muscles are, the more intense your orgasms will be,” promises Berman. Don’t know how to work out your Kegels? Next time you pee, try stopping the flow. Those are your Kegel muscles. Just don’t make it a habit to do Kegels when you pee. Stopping and starting the flow continuously can actually put you at risk for urinary tract infections. Use the pee test only to assess what it feels like to use your Kegels. Berman recommends doing 100 to 150 Kegel squeezes a day to keep them in sexy shape. You can do them anywhere, anytime (just not while peeing). Yoga, Pilates and other core-strengthening workouts also tone PC muscles. How’s Your Sex Life? For some of us, having regular sex is like breathing – we couldn’t live without it. Others don’t mind an occasional dry spell. Where do you stand on the nookie spectrum?